How does a person become an addict ?

NO ONE STARTS AS AN ADDICT.

People seek drugs for different reasons, no one starts out to destroy themselves or the others. Youngsters often get into this vicious cycle through addicted friends, the peer pressure provokes them to try "just once". Everyone starts with "just once" only to get possessed by this devil which can easily control its victims. From that path, there is no looking back unless there is intervention. It is very sad that more often that not, they come to a dead end-literally.

Implications of addiction:

For many, drugs seem to be a means of averting emotional and/or physical pain by providing the user with a temporary and illusionary escape from or way to cope with life's realities. Example, an individual tries drugs or alcohol. The drugs APPEAR to solve his/her problem. He/she feels better. Because he/she now SEEMS better able to deal with life, the drugs become valuable to him/her. The person looks on drugs or alcohol as a cure for unwanted feelings. For some it is a pleasure factor - they feel that their sensory perceptions are being lifted to perform better, soon they need more and more and more until they are driven to the brinks of death. They now seek drugs both for the reward of the "pleasure" they give them, and also to avoid the mental and physical horrors of withdrawal. Ironically, the addict's ability to get "high" from the drug gradually decreases as his/her body adapts to the presence of foreign chemicals.

They must take more and more drugs or alcohol, not just to get an effect but often just to
function at all. At this point, the addict is stuck in the vicious dwindling spiral of drug addiction. The drugs the addict abuses has changed them both physically and mentally. They have crossed an invisible and intangible line. They now have a drug addiction.
The compulsion to use drugs can take over an individual's life. Drug addiction often involves not only compulsive drug taking but also a wide range of dysfunctional behaviors that can interfere with normal functioning in the family, the workplace and the broader community. Drug addiction also can place people at increased risk for a wide variety of other illnesses. These illnesses can be brought on by behaviors, such as poor living and health habits, that often accompany life as a drug addict, or because of toxic effects of the drugs themselves.

The story of a miracle child

Mohan was an only child, extremely loved by his parents. He was a miracle child, born to them after 8 years of trying till they opted for in vitro fertilization. He was born at 28 weeks and spent endless time in the incubator fighting to breathe, he was clinging to bare life while his mother was clinging to hope. The day they took him home he was still a frail child, he couldn't nurse and was fed with tubes, his parents loved their little angel.
Mohan was a fighter, from the minute he entered the world-he took little baby steps and fought for it, soon he was way ahead of the fast runners. For Mohan's parents it was a dream come true, they looked at him like a little angel seated on their eye lashes.
Mohan was a school topper, months became years and the child prodigy turned out to be a handsome young man in his teens, he got into one of the top medical schools, he was in his very first year of medical college when he made new friends during ragging.

That's how he met Nick. Nick told Mohan he would show him something that night. Mohan's parents trusted him and always welcomed his friends to stay over because he was an only child. Nick came to Mohan's room that night he told him that he would experience the wonders of God's creation in a single attempt. Nick had been doing heroin and opium for 6 months, he gave the same dose to Mohan, in a matter of few minutes Mohan was incoherent and appeared to be in distress. Nick was frightened.

He left Mohan in bed and slowly crept down said goodnight to Mohan's parents and left the house. Mohan's father woke to each morning with an eager happiness in his heart of waking Mohan up, it was a faithful ritual he had followed since the frail baby had been born, every morning was a new day, a day of watching his baby who had become a wonder boy to a man who would heal lives. He went to his son's room and opened the door only to find him dead. He immediately tried CPR and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, hoping for a miracle, but Mohan was not to be revived - blood was oozing from his ears, nose and mouth. Mohan had choked on his own vomit and his skin was cold. It was an ugly and devastating way to find a child, a moment every parent dreads.

It takes only three weeks to get addicted to heroin. It takes only a moment to die, leaving loved ones with the pain for a lifetime. Mohan's father would never watch him graduate, never watch his son grow to be a leading physician. The miracle baby was lost, the boy who had fought all his life gave in to one minute of weakness. His first taste of the forbidden was his very last.

Every parent thinks that his/her child would bury them, there is no greater pain than having to bury a child except to watch a child in helplessness as he kills himself everyday.
Illicit drug abuse paves the way to many social ills plaguing society- violence, crime, the spread of AIDS, poverty, homelessness, teenage prostitution and pregnancy, school dropout rates, family violence and rising healthcare costs.

As important as it is to stop people from continuing to use illicit drugs and to treat those who are addicted, the most effective way to deal with the drug problem is to reduce the demand for illicit drugs. Every day, in almost every city and town nationwide, millions of children are deciding - one child at a time - whether to try drugs. Far too many are choosing poorly. By helping kids better understand the dangers of using illicit drugs - and the benefits of living drug-free - we can help kids make better, healthier decisions for themselves and for society.

From : Clean Times - Newsletter of Narcotics Anonymous

Susannah

I have been using drugs for 10 years. The party came to an end years ago, but the drugs didn't. Desperate to run away from myself, to make the shit in my life disappear, I used drugs obsessively and compulsively. I thought they made things better, but things got worse the more I used. I hated myself the more I tried and failed to control them.

In my fear, I kept telling myself I was okay. That I was just really hard-core and different, that no- one could ever understand. So what happened? How have I managed to stay clean for just on 6 months? Well, after being kicked out of rehab for using in the clinic, I found myself lying in my passage at home; sweating, screaming, vomiting and crying yet unable to stop using. I realised that I was dying, I also realised for the first time in my life, that I didn't want to die. That evening, I was still delirious and high. I was in a near state of over dose and it was a struggle to simply keep my eyes open.

Today I am free from the obsession to use. Today I choose to laugh, to cry, to feel and to live.

Today I can speak to my parents with out resentment or anger. I'm learning more about me everyday, and you know what? I'm not actually the terrible person I thought I was.

The Professional Addict - Lewis W

Who am I? This is the question that plagued me for most of my life. Was I a lonely child whose older brother was 10 years older and whose family weren't ready for another child so late in life?

Was I an over-achiever academically who was known as the professor? Was I an avid sports fan who did not have the natural ability to perform but wanted so hard to make the team? Was I the one who caused trouble wherever he went so that people would remember and fear me? Was I the person who belittled others to make myself feel better? OR was I, just as one of my counselors said "a common garden variety addict' who thought that taking mood-altering substances from a young age would feel better and who couldn't later understand why sitting in a darkened room, isolated from friends and family wasn't normal. Why two suicide attempts weren't a solution to my problems? Why rolling credit cards to support my family and my addiction and lying, stealing, cheating and having motor car accidents did not fit in with a life of a professional by day and why just because I still had my career proved that everything was okay?

When I finally accepted what I was, that being an addict and 45 years old, married with two children and came into recovery, I was able to realise that I also had some good qualities and that if I made a change, I could be anything I wanted and deal with what I perceived to be life's hardships. I have suffered some severe hardships and have been able to cope with them. I have come to terms to a large extent with my past. I try and live in the moment and not project into the future. Earlier this year I had a very good lesson in realising that I cannot predict and have no control over the future when I had a heart-attack and bypass surgery. I can, day by day, try and make amends to my family for my behaviour and consequences of active addiction. To those I do not know who I harmed and cannot make amends to, I try each day to be a better person than I was and treat everyone (strangers included) the way I would like people to treat me. I try to be grateful for what I have and what I did not lose and not be resentful of what others seem to have. I force myself to remember what active addiction was like. Life is now certainly much easier that I accept who I am, particularly as I do not have to struggle along on my own unless I choose to.

Vryheid! - Konrad

Ek's menslik. Ek't in herstel gekom nadat ek 'n dekade en 'n half geleef het sonder dat ek wóú leef. My lewe het bestaan uit self-haat, depressie, vrees, angs, en 'n wrok teen 'n wêreld wat volgens my nie my vryheid wou gun nie. Teen hierdie tyd was ek reeds 'n misdadiger. Ek't die laaste tien jaar my familie geïgnoreer. Dit was nog altyd ek teen die hele wêreld, en ek het nooit gedink of toegelaat dat iemand my help nie. Wanneer iemand wel probeer help het, het ek dit in hulle gesig terug- gegooi. Ultimately was almal, insluitend my vriende en familie, my vyande.

Ek het ook al psigiaters, sielkundiges, councillors, NA, Oosterse medisyne en selfs 'n predikant probeer. Niks het gehelp nie. Ek glo die tyd was net nie reg nie. Dis ongelooflik hoeveel pyn ek kon verduur voordat ek teen die rant van die afgrond gestaan het.
Teen hierdie tyd het ek alles verloor. My tande het verbrokkel, ek het periodiese verlamming ondervind en het elke oggend siek wakkergeword en bile opgegooi a.g.v. my geweldadige hoes.

Ek het al my besittings verloor. Ek het geen toekoms gehad nie. Ek kon nie 'n job kry of hou nie. Ek moes by mense steel wat vir my lief was, en die belangrikste: Ek het uiteindelik ál my vriende verloor. Toe ek in die 50's weeg en by my familie intrek, het dit hulle nie lank geneem voordat hulle gatvol geraak het nie. Nou moes ek my trots weereens sluk en geld leen by vêrlangse familie wat ek skaars geken het, om myself in rehab in te boek. Die rede hoekom ek dit hierdie keer reggekry het? Ek het myself
totaal afgesny van enigiemand wat drugs gebruik. Ek het weggebly van plekke waar ek uitgehang het. Ek het selfs my ou klere weggegooi. Ek het my ou lewe verplaas met 'n totaal nuwe begin.

Maar ek het bewys nodiggehad dat ek dit hierdie keer sal regkry. Ek moes ook besef dat ek van álle drugs moet wegbly, insluitend legal drugs soos alkohol en party medisyne. Ek he took besef ek gaan nie maklik wen teen my verslawing nie - dis sterker as my eie wilskrag. Maar as ek hulp vra, kan ek dit oorkom. Nou moet ek kyk na wie ek is en waarom ek drugs ge- bruik - wat is die trig- gers en verskonings? Dan bespreek ek dit met iemand sodat dit real word. Dan begin ek iets omtrent my probleme doen, en wanneer ek nie aan daardie dele van my kan verander nie, moet ek dit so aanvaar (ouch!).

Gedurende my herstel het ek eers 'n councillor, toe 'n sponsor gehad. My councillor het my geleer dat ek net sal verander wanneer die pyn van verandering minder lyk as die pyn van my lewen- styl. How true! My sponsor het my geleer om minder anal te wees en myself te begin aanvaar. En om die werklike lewe binne te tree, en op te hou om iets en iemand anders te gebruik as 'n bubble (soos dit in die begin noodsaaklik was) en dit te gebruik as'n tool, nes ek ander tools gebruik om met ander probleme mee te deal. Ek het 'n depressie- probleem wat lyk of dit nie verwant is aan my dwelmmisbruik nie, en daarvoor moet ek anti- depressante neem.

Voorgeskryf deur 'n addictions- psigiater wat die abstinence-model goed ken. Vandag besef ek dat die voorstelle (suggestions) tydens en gedurense rehabilitasie programme presies dit is, niks meer nie. My obsessie met die of dit wat my heal is stadig besig om te verander in 'n gebalanseerde lewe (relatief gesproke, natuurlik). Wat 'n verligting dat ek nie een van daardie Bible- bashing freaks hoef te wees om skoon te bly nie! Ek's nou al vir 'n paar jare lank skoon sonder onderbreking. Wat vir my werk is die handvol precious vriendskappe wat ek ontwikkel het. Ek dwing myself om kontak te maak met mense tydens daardie periodes wanneer ek wil isoleer. Vandag weeg ek in die80's, ek kan weer slaap, ek het amper nooit meer cravings vir drugs nie, ek het nie meer selfmoordged- agtes nie, ek het my familie lief, ek neem verant- woordelikheid vir my aksies, ek probeer om my eie besigheid te run, my woonstel voel soos 'n huis, ek het nie meer 'n girlfriend nodig om goed oor myself te voel nie, ek het fantastiese vriende en het selfs 'n onsigbare vriend met wie ek lekker lag, gewoonlik wanneer ek in die kak is. Ek's nie meer skaam oor my roots nie. Ek voel ek is die moeite werd om te ken. My probleme is niks meer as wat enige mens maar elke dag mee moet deal nie.

Ek is 'n vry mens!

Youth in recovery - Shani

I came into recovery when I was 17 years old. I'm now 18 after being clean for 7 and a half months. Classified as a "youth in recovery" I'm sitting here thinking of what I should write and I'm struggling, because at the moment in my recovery, my pink cloud has burst and I'm just feeling f.....g ungrateful, but I also know that it is ok to feel ungrateful - at least today I can feel, which I couldn't before because I used to numb my feelings.
As a youth as well as the older generations have to do so much just to be all right. Being at school is difficult because at the moment in high school it is "cool" to get out of it. And that pisses me off, but I just have to surrender to that fact and that one day it won't be cool anymore.

The other thing that is difficult is like on Monday mornings everybody is talking about how f....d they got on the weekend and then on Fridays they talk about how "tonight we can go there and get really f....d then tomorrow we can go to the beach and get f....d there and so on... "I just got to keep reminding myself how bad it was when I was using and how I don't want to go back there. As most addicts, I love to control and I just want everybody to be in recovery, but I know it's not possible. I feel sometimes that the teachers are expecting me to be perfect all the time, but I know that it is not like that and that I have to remember that I will never be perfect as all of us have character defects which I have to deal with.

Today I am able to do my school work, to think logically, have amazing relationships with my family and friends and to generally be doing a whole lot better than when I was using. People today trust me and I can trust myself as well as I have started trusting others and it's a free feeling. I have choices today which before I didn't because I was the slave to the drugs. I don't swear and shout at my teachers any more, it has happened once or twice since in recovery but I am able to apologise afterwards which I couldn't do before. But I will always be an addict, and I have to remind myself to speak to someone when- ever I have need to even just tell them I had a cool day.

Jacques

I was born in 42 years ago in the Free State town of Welkom and grew up in a very sheltered environment. Drugs hardly featured during my teenage and early adult life and I was judgmental of people who abused drugs and alcohol. I regarded them as losers who lacked the moral fibre I supposed I had! My escape during the eighties was the struggle against Apartheid and I became the lily white Marxist without a clue from Welkom during my university years. Little did I realise until many years later that my beloved father, a general practitioner and respected member in Welkom's professional circles was an alcoholic. He, not unlike his son was able to conceal his disease with great expertise from the outside world, including his children. This he was able to do with the
equally expert help of my mother, his devoted wife. I recognize today that he and I suffer from the same disease of addiction and I can hardly judge him for this.

I picked up drugs for the first time when I was in my thirties, and remember being overwhelmed by my first experience of cocaine. After a honey- moon of successful drug use, my addiction finally took control of my life and from that moment every value or belief I had became negotiable in the quest for my next high. My whole life and thinking became geared towards two things only: the getting and using of drugs. I was at the best of times a distracted lawyer, lover, parent and friend and at the worst of times I looked into an abyss of anti-social behaviour. My denial system at full tilt, I blamed everything and everyone for my woes, and unknown to me I was in the grips of a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.

After several attempts to stop using drugs on my own, I reluctantly swallowed my pride,
admitted defeat and my difficult but rewarding journey to freedom from active addiction began. If you think you may suffer from the same disease, and desire the same freedom from active addiction, do something. You may not be responsible for your disease, but you are responsible for your recovery.

Anonymous - Cape Town

The day that I admitted that I am a drug addict changed my life forever. It was something that I always wanted to do, but could not do alone. I attempted a few times to stop on my own but it always ended with a very strange reward system (I've been clean for so long I deserve ...). I did not know that I was powerless until I learnt what my problem was about. The reason why I took drugs was because I am an addict, and I had no control over my life while under the influence of drugs.

The pain in my life during active addiction, was too unbearable to carry on, there had to be another way. My mind was like a whirlwind, a hurricane from hell. My addict brain loved that, so I carried on doing what I did best - I used. Don't have one, have a lot and when that's finished, have MORE, which I learnt, is my drug of choice.

Hoop - Stefano

Ek het oor die afgelope paar jaar verskeie kere probeer om 'n normale lewe te lei, maar het telkemale teruggeval en maar net weer verder dwelms gebruik. Ek kon nooit verstaan hoekom ek anders was as ander mense wat "normaal" kon dwelms gebruik nie en het gedog dat dat dit eintlik maar normaal was vir my om so aan te gaan. Ek was nog altyd iemand wat dinge oordoen het en gewoonlik was ek die een wat ander omgepraat het om saam met my die dam onder die eend uit te ruk.

My dwelmgebruik het so vererger dat dit my lewe totaal en al begin oorheers het. Dit was al waaraan ek kon dink en ek het elke moontlike manier gebruik om geld te kry vir my tydverdryf. Ek was in 'n posisie waar ek op 'n daaglikse basis redelike goeie geld verdien het en vir 'n tyd het dit goed gegaan. Ek kon werk en my verdoof en dan weer werk om maar net weer die proses te herhaal. Na'n tyd het my daaglikse uitgawe my inkomste begin oorskry en ek het begin om geld te leen en te verduister van my vennote. Ek het allerhande slim planne gehad om van vriende en familie geld te kry. Omdat ek die grootste gedeelte van die dag, en aand, aan my dwelmgebruik spandeer het, het my besigheid ernstig daaronder begin lei en het my inkomste nog verder gedaal.

Die keerpunt in my lewe het gekom toe ek op 'n Sondag aand, na 'n hele naweek en verskeie duisende rande by my verskaffer, besef het dat ek geen selfrespek meer oor het nie. Ek het besef dat as ek nie hierdie keer regtig gaan ophou nie ek seer sekerlik in die tronk gaan beland of sal doodgaan. Ek het opgestaan en huis to gegaan waar ek toe aan my ouers erken het dat ek 'n baie ernstige probleem het. Ek het op daardie stadium reeds my besigheid verloor, my vrou was besig om van my te skei en ek het net 'n klomp skuld teen my gehad. My ouers het my na 'n rehabilitasie sentrum geneem waar ek vir 7 weke gebly het.

Ek het besef dat daar wel 'n oplossing vir my probleem was en het die geleentheid met ope arms aangegryp. Ek was gelukkig om soveel ondersteuning van familie en vriende te kry. Alles was nie maanskyn en rose nie. Ek moes van voor af kyk na die waardes in my lewe en moes voordurende aanpassings maak. Ek het gesukkel om weer werk te kry. My ouers het my vir verskeie maande nie vertrou om alleen te wees nie. Ek het geen geld gehad nie. My egskeiding was afgehandel. My selfvertroue was ernstig geskaad. Gelukkig het ek vasgebyt, hoofsaaklik omdat ek kon sien dat dinge stadig maar seker verbeter. Geleidelik het ek weer vertroue in myself begin kry. Dit was'n groot hoogtepunt toe ek weer begin werk het, al was dit vir 'n minimale salaris. Dinge het verbeter!

Vandag is my lewe weer normaal, ek het 'n goeie werk en het na 3 jaar alleen weer iemand ontmoet wat vir my spesiaal is. Ek kan weer beloftes maak en daarby hou. Ek kan dinge vooruit beplan en weet dat ek by my beplannings gaan hou. Ek het geleer om nederig te wees en om my foute te verstaan en te aanvaar. My begeertes, fisies sowel as emosioneel, na dwelms het verdwyn. Vandag is ek 'n dankbare gerehabiliteerde dwelmverslaafde en weet ek dat ek nooit weer nodig sal hê om deur die hel van verslawing te gaan nie.

Lessons on over coming addictions

Every addict wants to feel good. That's why I took drugs. When I finally came clean, I had much to learn about the business of feeling good without drugs. There were things I had to go through in order to feel good, like detoxification and grief, and there were other things I had to get out of like self-pity and resentment. Pain was one of the things I had to go through. Pain comes and goes. Everybody knows that except people like me (before I came to my senses). The reason I did not know pain "comes and goes" was that I always took a drug before pain came just in case it might be coming and, of course, I never knew that pain eventually, naturally goes because I was loaded with painkillers.
So I had lessons to learn after I got clean, painful lessons, the kind that cause some addicts to relapse back onto drugs. Yet the only way to learn about pain is to experience pain. Pain is not the enemy. Rather it is a signal that the enemy is up and about. We need pain for without it we die. People can destroy themselves because they don't feel pain properly.

I remember an evening when I was driving in my car. I lived alone in those days and was
celibate (not by choice) and things were not going particularly well at work. I had money for essentials but life was nothing to rave about. I'd been suffering a stiff neck, purely muscular but annoying. All the really effective painkillers were a no-no for me because I'd once abused them. At a stoplight, I suddenly found myself telling myself how absolutely great I felt. My body was flooded with well being, somewhat like a heroin hit except of course I had been completely drug free a long time and the feeling didn't come in a rush from below but was descending like a soft wind from above, from outside the car, like rays from heaven. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Billy Graham, yes, or Mother Theresa but not Charles! Charles, former scum bag, drug addict, con man, thief, liar and cheat, now FREE, drug-free - nothing in the blood but blood - crime-free, guilt-free, shame-free, fear-free. NEW! Charles, new Charles, driving a paid-for car to CHURCH (of all places), is NOW a different person! I told myself I must never forget how wonderful I felt at that moment - not just the absence of worry but the presence of deep joy.

But, of course, now, even as I write this, I cannot completely recapture the experience. Not that the joy, has gone, it hasn't. It is with me most of the time these days. That was just the first time I felt it. Now I'm used to it. Adapted. It is the way I was supposed to feel from the beginning, before the fall of man. We were created with the capacity to feel good all the time. I took LSD in 1961 because I wanted to. Does it really matter why? I knew it probably wasn't a good idea but I took it anyway. After all, it was legal then and manufactured by an ethical drug house. Reports in the literature said it was not addictive. Colleagues were taking it. Engaged in legitimate research, I was about to dispense it to my patients so shouldn't I take it myself?

My great mistake was putting into my bloodstream a substance that altered my mind. It looked OK - only 500 micrograms, so small it was hardly there. I was told I would have an experience that would put me in the know. At some level I knew it was dangerous but I was willing to take the risk. I wanted to be a sophisticated scientist, perhaps to write a book. Though I did not believe in God at the time, still I knew at some level that I was doing something risky - even wrong. I
knew... but I did it anyway! I was miserable driving to work, drinking too much alcohol and trying to discover how to become a famous scientist. Drugs temporarily relieved my unhappiness and I soon became addicted.

For my strivings and empty successes, for my missed opportunities, for the whole soap opera of my former life, for my predisposition to be an addict, even for my self-deception, I am not totally responsible. You can say I should have known better than to live my life as I did but I was doing the best I could. I was a psychologist. What else could I do? For this I am responsible. I knew better but I did it anyway. I took that first drug. And although I had temporary relief from my angst, eventually, of course, drugs made my life even worse. Plus, I couldn't quit. I was a slave to drugs. Medically speaking, I had a brain disease.

Edges Magazine

I'm thirty-four now, I was born in Bath, I have no family whatsoever. I was put into a children's home at two years old. I didn't really understand what it was like in the children's home until I reached the age of eleven or twelve, it is not nice, it's a very strict regime, and it feels like you're being punished for something you haven't done. What I didn't like about the children's home was the strictness of the rules, the regime that they set down. Obviously there are rules and regulations, but I felt there were rules which I was being punished for, because I didn't ask to go into a children's home, I didn't ask to come from a violent background, and I didn't like authority.

I rebelled a lot, I got myself into trouble, I went into detention centres, prisons, so basically since I've left the children's home all I've known is institutionalisation. This made me feel hatred, unwanted, rejected, I didn't like society one bit. I rebelled against society, I didn't like anybody in society, I had a very serious drug and drink problem, to try and escape and hide away from the hurt. The feelings, the memories, escapism, that's basically why I took drugs, to escape. The drugs made me feel relaxed, and a little more confident. I didn't worry about anything, took everything day by day until it got to the point where I was just worrying about where my next amount of drugs was coming from, and then I found myself in very serious trouble. I would pinch. I don't now obviously because I'm off it. I pinched, I begged, I hustled, I would do anything to get that last bit of drugs. I couldn't wake up in the morning and face reality, it hurt too much.

I fell in love, it was a good relationship, it went well, I felt wanted, I wasn't rejected, I had nice clothes, I had money, I had a car, I had everything that everybody else would have. Then the relationship ended through mother in law problems, as far as she was concerned I was never good enough for her. It went on too long for me, started to do my head in, I hit drugs again, and I think it was best that I ended it there, which I had to do. It was doing my head in to the extent that I would lie just to get out, just to get away from her and her mum. I have three children, my youngest daughter is three years old, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for them, that I don't miss them.

I punish myself for that, I don't know, I just punish myself. They're always in my heart, and if I could get things back together again, I'd be the first one in the queue to do it, because I've had enough of this, four years on the streets, I've had enough of it. The most frightening thing I've seen on the street is my mate, he was begging, same as I was, and someone came and put a knife across his face and his throat, and he died. I
was actually covered in his blood. That was the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. I still think about it. Being homeless has taught me that if you've got something in the first place, don't ever let it go, don't be tempted, don't let anything take it away, because one drink leads to another drink, you become an alcoholic, one drug leads to another drug, you become a drug addict. I know because I have been both of those, and I have lost everything. Everything I could possibly own, all I own is what I'm wearing and my sleeping bag, that's all I've got and I'm thirty - four years old. At the moment, the future holds nothing. I can't predict the future, I can only hope that somebody will give me a chance, and have a room and a job, and the chance of settling down, and living life like normal people live day by day.

I need a starter, I need that backup to get me onto my feet, and then I'd get a job, and I think I'd be quite happy then. Until then it's not a case of just sitting on the streets, being lazy, expecting people to give you money here and there, because I don't sit there for the fun of it, I don't sit there because I enjoy it. I despise sitting there, feeling low, no self respect, you lose everything. You don't even feel you've got a heart anymore.

Grey matter

The lying and deception is what really makes me sad. I never thought I could stoop so low. Then again I never thought I would be depressed or consider suicide. The times I have truly felt suicidal were times I wasn't on anything. So I guess it is a safety precaution. I have been a loner and depressed since high school, so it is really nothing new to me. Honestly, I am just scared. Like so many people, I have been hurt many times in my life and in response to that I have built up a tremendous wall emotionally. It is just very hard for me to trust. I know everyone in life has been hurt. A lot. It's part of life. I just can't seem to get past my experiences of betrayal and hurt. I am trying, but sometimes I would rather live in a shell for the rest of my life than open myself up to people and give them that chance to hurt me again.

Maybe I'm too sensitive. I know I have lots of faults. It's just hard, and right now it is too hard for me to do that. For what it is worth, I am clean. But that's why I took drugs to begin with. To open up and not be so timid and shy and guarded. Ohh yeah, and to escape my depression. I am not saying I will never do drugs again or I won't ever get any cravings. I know that is not possible for an addict. I'm just not sure I am struggling with the addiction side right now nearly as much as my depression. And while the two are no doubt connected, it is not like I just suddenly got depressed after getting clean. This has been going on a long, long time.

Teri

I almost lost everything, my life, my marriage, my business, the respect of my kids, definitely my health. I am very lucky to have it all back. Things are on the mend these days and I am climbing my way out of the mess I made. I have over the past year or so really have tried to figure out what drove me to drugs in the first place. What emptiness was in my heart and soul to make me almost give up all that was dear to me. I have been working on those issues for months now and have made a lot of progress in understanding the "whys" of my addictive nature. I sought out counseling, worked a recovery program, kept in touch with my sponsor and other friends who support me. I re-read my journals when I was detoxing so I can remember how I felt during those times, it reminds me what I don't want to go back to.

Always try to remember what your addictive life was like, don't sugar coat it, don't make it a fantasy life but the real one, the one where you spent all your money on drugs, the one where drugs were more important than your family or loved ones, the one that make you so sick you didn't want to be in this world any more, the one that made you irresponsible, selfish and self absorbed, the one that wasted those years of your life that you can never ever get back. remember those things and then focus on what you do have...your health back, your family back, your self respect back, money in the bank again, you can smile and laugh again authentically, focus on all the good things and remember all the bad. There is nothing for you back there, nothing but pain, agony, anguish, and more pain.

And you need to push past your feelings of wanting to use and see that it just addiction raising its ugly head again tempting you to destroy your life maybe this time for good. Don't fall into that trap.

A father's story from prison

I am in prison for theft, second. My crime was because of crystal methamphetamine. I was
sentenced to five years in prison. I've been down now for four years. I was first put in Halava High Security for two years, in close custody. Then, from there I transferred to the medium facility. I started taking drugs about twelve years ago and the reason why I took drugs was because I thought getting high was the right thing to do. Honestly, I can say that all the people I used to hang out with, were all into drugs and I went on the wrong path. I got myself deep involved with mostly crystal meth. I lost everything I had. I started off with marijuana, 'paco lolo', and from there I went to crack cocaine, and from cocaine I went to crystal meth.

I was spending a lot of money on drugs. I was smoking at least three to $600 worth of 'batu' a day. I was buying drugs from big time dealers. I was getting them cheap from them and selling them down here for more. Just to support my habit, and get high. Along the way, I stole a lot of things from people, caused them a lot of pain, hurt. I stole money, car stereos, cars and wallets out of people's rental cars. Anything that I could trade or sell, just to get more drugs. The most I "experienced' using drugs was paranoia. I always thought that my girlfriend was fooling around, when she wasn't. I always thought that I had cops watching me. What the drugs did to my mind was to make me do things that I never thought that I was going to do in my life.

Hurt people, steal, cheat, lie. What the drugs did to my body was deteriorate me, made me lose a lot of weight. The bones in my face started showing. That is how my family caught on that I was doing some heavy drugs. My message to the young kids out their today is: Drugs is not the way to go. Drugs will make you lose everything in life, your family, your children, if you have children. You lose your freedom. Come to prison and be told when to eat, when to sleep, when to shower. You lose everything. It is going to be real rough. There are a lot of other better things to do in life than to take drugs or to even think about them. When you pick up that pipe and decide to take that hit, you are only picking up a shovel to your grave. To me, I feel drugs are crazy.

Drugs are not worth it. There are many other positive things we can do in this community. If you catch them when they are young, then their roots is still young yet. You are going to have to dig deep and deep and work with them for years to stop them from going further into criminality and drugs and all that.

Addiction - by David

I'm sick of the word addiction. It's never really been defined for me anyway. Like the color blue. Define it. Why is it blue? Does calling it blue make it blue? I don't know. Now, addiction; I'm addicted to almost everything. The things of which I am not addicted are the things of which I have not tried. I have not tried them out of my reverent fear of my addictions and for fear they would take over my life. To quote Shawn Mullins (whoever the hell that is right?) from a song called Pandora's Box, "Boys I know why you are here. You've come to take me for a ride. But before you do there's something you should know, that I'm awful hard to hide, yes I'm awful hard to hide," says Pandora.

I remember asking a friend what his drug of choice is. His answer was more. I concur.
Here's the thing, my addictions make me feel weak and vulnerable; like a failure, someone unable to control his own impulses and desires. Yet I know, deep down that these impulses and desires are the seat of my power. The only true power I have. At one point or other in my life I have given up everything I was addicted to; booze, sex, drugs, computer games, sugar, exercising, gambling. They just keep coming back. So I'm currently in a mode of indulging those addictions that I am unwilling to give up but keeping them contained. "How's it going", you ask?

Not well. But I'm not willing to castrate myself from myself and make some ridiculous, hygienic choice to purify my soul and rid myself of my desires, which in turn almost always turn into my addictions. There's got to be a way; a way to dance with the Devil; a way to give the Devil his due and still walk in the light for most of the time. I suppose there is and I suppose it's different for every single one of us, finding that balance.

The dark is scary, isn't it? My least favorite time of the day is after 6 before night. I used to believe it was because it was after work or after school and dinner had to be prepared etc. I know many people who dislike this time of the day, particularly if you have kids. But I think it has less to do with how tired we are and more because deep down, we're afraid of the dark. The dark is coming no matter what we do. That's why vampires scared me so much as a kid. No matter what you did, they always came out. You could not stop them, other than finding them during the day and driving a stake through their heart, and even as an adult I'm unsure I want to be doing that.

Anyway, just some thoughts on how one deals with the darker aspects of oneself. I'm in the dark with it all as you can tell. Enjoy your day. Is this you? Not very comforting, is it, no matter how familiar the words seem to be.

And more ...

"Anybody who takes drugs becomes the slave of drugs. But that's only the beginning."

"Once we do it, "it" takes over and we can't stop."

"I thought I had control of myself, but I did not."

"The drugs I took included, among others, LSD, dimethyltriptomine, mescaline, psylocibin and marijuana. Under the influence of such hallucinogenic substances I heard voices and saw visions. Even after detoxification, I had the occasional flashback until all neural connections had normalized. Yet the experience I had later when I was trying to remain abstinent was of a different order: something was telling me to use drugs. Not necessarily an audible sound but always a concrete thought: use, use. This craving message is an experience shared by nearly every recovering addict after, sometimes long after, they have quit."

"I heard a voice telling me to take my drug. It said, "One won't hurt.' When I gave in and shot up, the same voice said, "now you've done it, you might as well do the lot; give up this recovery thing altogether.'"

"My disease thinks it can kill me and go on living. It tells me to use even though for me using is suicide."

"My head is my enemy. It's the voice that used to tell me to use drugs. Though it knows it lost that game, it still tries to do me in."

"...as if drugs have high jacked the brain's natural motivational control circuits, resulting in drug use becoming the sole, or at least the top, motivational priority for the individual."
"It's the first drug that does the damage and the most dangerous drug may be the one we haven't tried yet."

"Complete freedom doesn't happen overnight - but it does happen!"

"Of all the people you will ever know in your life, your the only one who you should never lose." Jo Coudert.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself." Jo Coudert.

"I have found another god. I have sold my soul and become a slave. Co-dependence is the disease underneath any substance addiction."

"It is a loss of one's inner reality and an addiction to outer reality."

"The drivenness comes from the emptiness."

"Just when you think you have it all figured out, it gets confusing again."

"To fathom hell just take a pinch of psychedelic"

"So long as we have failed to eliminate any of the causes of human despair, we do not have the right to try to eliminate those means by which man tries to cleanse himself of despair."